I am trying to look back to my pass and see what went wrong to the relationship I had. I wish that I could fix or never do the same mistake at least.
I usually do not speak nonsense if not drunk which I am on my 100% to night.
Just a week ago my office mate asked ” Hey sis, I am so curious if you looking forward for settle down and having family? ” …… I was wondered what make him saying that. I reply quietly that I would love to but I don’t know when.
Then later he explained that for him, he sees no problem if I would continue my single life, i know how to take care of myself, he personally think I don’t need a man in my life.
Maybe it’s really my personality issue. I think and do things like a man. I am too independent. I sometimes forget to be cute and annoying girlfriend.
I missed cooking big portion on weekend, going movie at 11 am, eating Yaki Mix, grocery shopping, buying canned fruits and mix it with cream, eat when it cold in the freezer. I missed my cheesy Pizza Hut, dexter, walking dead and walking park non stop for half hour!
For me to leave everything behind and move on, it has been so difficult, I hope I don’t have to change country again. I told my self to stop running away from problem. I have to face it no matter what.
I feel so weak, I cry, I feel not so right. Is that the other side of me where nobody see? I wish I could be a bit stronger to night. It is only Monday and I have 4 more days to deal stuff at work.
I wish that I could just throw away my passed, just like you do. I wish I could be strong just like you do. I wish I could move on and stop my nightmare……
Who said it ok not to be ok? I am not okey.
There might be a reason why you kept seeing this blog, either you miss me or you want to see me in bad conditions to say that I deserve it. I don’t give a f*ck about it. Ok?
I admit that I sometimes thinking if you, picturing you eating fried dry pork and enjoy those weekend food together.
I still kept all letter that you wrote me, all drawing that you draw for me and all those lies that you will be with me no matter what it takes!
It hurts me because I believe in it, it hurts me because i could not let this go of me.
I don’t think I could pray to not hearing those sweet words, what I could only do from now on is not to believe in it. Just like what I always said “I don’t think any man can take care of me”.
That’s the only good protection I have to not getting myself hurt again.
I hate losing!!!